you = bullshit

its almost one month into the new year. don't bother asking about new year resolutions.

singdy, me & katie

i'm tired. i've been working. and then there's projects and tests. i must be crazy to still be working. and then there's the what am i going to do after graduation question.

i let myself down. in more ways than one.

i hate what i've become.

i don't know where i am or where i'm going anymore. i'm lost, and i've never felt so lost before. lately, there's been this feeling.. like a heavy burden on my heart.. i was at work one day and i felt ultra depressed thinking about things. i felt damn low and my heart started beating damn fast. i was on the verge of crying and i almost fainted. maybe it was just a nervous breakdown. or something. maybe i'm just paranoid. maybe i think too much. or maybe everything is as bleak as it seems.

and. i hate you. i really hate you. i hate you for everything you've done. i hate you for all the lies you've told. i hate you for everything that i did for you. i hate you for calling. i hate you for messaging. i hate you for all the time lost. my life lost. i hate you for what i gave up for you. what you can never return to me. something so precious, i will never forgive you for it. i hate you for this missing piece in my life, this missing piece in my heart. i hate you for the tears cried, all the cuts on my arms. i hate you for all the memories, the bad ones and the few good ones. i hate you for cheating on me and for lying to me about it. i hate you for the ring i wear. i hate you for all the photos. i hate you for all the pain. i hate you for treating me like your spare tyre, your backup plan. i hate you for thinking you can have the best of both worlds and get away with it. i hate the fact that the only reason you know that jeslyn bitch is because my dad got you the job in SIA. i hate you for telling me that you still love me and that you want me back. i hate you for telling me that you'll change for me. when i know its all bullshit and lies. i hate the date 28072005. and. i hate the fact that it still hurts. that i can't let go. that i still answer your calls. still reply your messages. i hate the fact that i'm so stupid. i hate you for what i've become.

you're a bastard, she's a bitch, and i'm just a stupid fool.

ip consultation at 1030. CSP test at 1100. twp tutorial at 1600. i'm so tired. my legs are aching like fuck. i need to study. i need to read my notes. i need to smoke. i need to stop crying. i need to get over it.

when i'm feeling so low. so lost. i just don't know who to turn to. close friends. busy with their lives. at work. or at this time, most probably sleeping. who can you turn to when you just want to get away, just want to leave everything behind and forget your pain for one night. when you just want to get out, go somewhere, pretend to be happy, even though its 2am. i really don't know anymore.

when will i stop crying...

i just want to take mc for the next 3 weeks and pretend i don't exist.

if i die, will you notice i am gone?