i shouldn't be feeling this way. i shouldn't. i'm trying not to. really trying. but its hard. because everytime i close my eyes. i just remember.

I'm trying not to stare, it's too late
The blankets over there, if you like
I'm broken and i'm colder than hell
I should've said i'd not come back here

i guess. for one second. i just thought. i just wished. perhaps i actually believed. but that was a mistake. the biggest mistake i made.

To think i might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

because every second. has been so. different. so much better than anything i've ever known. and i guess i was just lying to myself all this while.

its like a double blow i suppose. i pretend i'm not affected. but i am. inside, i really am. i guess it was something i already knew. but i avoided it. because i knew i couldn't face up to it. and now i have to. but its been wonderful. really wonderful. i won't forget. i won't.

It's a feeling I've had many times before
I can't hold the fort so don't give me more
I struggle and sweat when I'm wide awake
When I know I'm fine, I'm not used to fine

eating at modestos, late night dinner at swensens, dinner at fancy places, going to places, the movies, my cravings for ice cream, blasting r&b in your car, shopping, gucci, agnes b, water and twisties after mos, those times you sent me home when you really didn't have to, the way you made fun of me, those conversations on the phone, your laugh, the way you made me laugh, your earrings, your hat, the photos taken with my action sampler. i'll look at those photos, i'll remember, i might smile, but it'll all just be painful memories in time to come.

it hasn't been very long, but the time doesn't count. its everything else we've done along the way. and its meant alot. i guess i already knew. you already knew. we already said so. but i just didn't know it would be so abrupt like this.

thank you for being there this past week, as i'm going through this. thank you for listening, for worrying, even though you really didn't need to. thank you for saying you'll pick me and send me home. thank you for caring, thank you for being there.

friends.

you'll always be my boo.

on the other side of my life, i'm going through the biggest thing in my life ever.

dear, i really wish you were here with me. i miss you. i hate the fact that you can't be around. today especially. today is going to be the hardest day ever for me. i wish you would hold my hand and tell me i'll make it through this just fine. but i guess i'll just have to wait till tomorrow when you're back. i love you.