and because its hard.

there are days where everything seems so fine and oh so happy. but then there are those moments, where i just want to run away and hide. moments where i wish i could turn back the clock. to go back where i was happy. all i really wish for is to be happy. was that ever too much to ask for?

i smile. i laugh. i pretend. that everything's fine. that i'm fine. that i'll be fine. i go out and have fun, but its all in attempt to forget, to avoid, to run away. but i don't want to. i just want to hold on. to whatever i can. because its so hard.

its almost like as though.

i don't know.

i guess sometimes you just can't have everything you want. sometimes you have to compromise, sometimes you have to sacrifice.

sometimes i feel like i have to pretend to be strong. that its expected of me. that i'm not allowed to cry. not allowed to show my weaker side. and so i do. i act like as though nothing affects me, that its not hurting inside. but it does. and sometimes it hurts so bad. i don't know where to go, where to run to, i don't know who would understand. so much i want to say, so much i want to cry. but i'm afraid no one will understand, no one will listen, no one will care. cause showing that raw part of me, would mean being vulnerable all over again. and i don't want to go through that anymore. some people say i'm dao, i'm cold, i'm arrogant. but sometimes, its just me hiding.

one month since everything has happened. since that day, the day history repeated itself, where i went through that same pain, pain i never thought i would have to go through again with you, pain you promised never to put me through. the day everything i knew shattered into a million pieces, where everything i held onto came crashing down on me.

even though knowing all along that you were doing things behind my back, all the lies and bullshit, actually seeing you there with that disgusting girl doing god knows what, was still a huge blow, it was like a stab in the front.

its almost like as though i'm trying to block everything out. trying to block out those memories. but eventually they always come back to haunt you.