the 25th has come and gone.

well, my brother got the date wrong, it was supposed to be 23rd not 25th.

i guess most of you are still wondering what the hell i'm talking about.

if you really wanna know, then read on.

my parents have been fighting ever since i was old enough to remember. they fought about anything and everything under the sun really. blame it on my dad for being able to blow the smallest thing out of proportion. i've always remembered being afraid of my dad, his temper and the cane. i remember him kicking the fridge once, till it dented. i also remember him once forcing my mom to say 'i hate you'. i remember him throwing his cup, and it breaking.

when i got older, i got sick of all the tears and enduring all the pain. i constantly stood up for my mom, fighting back and just shouting. it would usually end up with me crying hysterically, and the silent treatment from my dad. i would always think of the most horrible things i could do to get revenge or to teach him a lesson. i thought of jumping out my window, or taking a knife to my throat, perhaps that would make him stop.

i remember once, when i was still in primary school i think, their quarrel got so bad, he tore up her clothes with his bare hands, my brother was biting his nails, and i was just standing there screaming. my sister called my aunt who stayed nearby and just as she was going to call the police, my dad took away the phone. he grabbed me and my brother by the throat and threatened to jump off the balcony with us.

secondary school. i always looked forward to the times when my dad was on flight (he's an inflight supervisor) and whenever he was in singapore, i would try to stay out as late as possible. my dad got angry over the smallest thing, like when my mom picked the wrong sink when we were moving house.

i know my dad had affairs before. i think its something air stewards have a niche for.

then there was one day. my dad came back on flight at night. my mom was out. she came back later. the master bedroom door was locked. he refused to open. finally, he came out and a big quarrel erupted. he was pissed because she didn't leave the car at the airport for him. like wtf right. she slept in my room that night. they decided to get separated that day.

even with them being separated, the quarrelling never stopped.

my mom always wished that things would be better and the family could be whole again.

my dad started seeing his first-class passenger, this indonesian married woman, who brought us out and bought us expensive stuff. apparently this ended, i think over money. my dad will fight with anyone and everyone over money, even his own family. his ties with his own family are severed just because of money.

he moved out not too long later, into some condominium somewhere in pasir ris.

he did pop by every now and then, just to check on the state of "his" house.

my 'o' levels came and went, and by this time, i had alot of freedom, my mom was "dating".

i had 6 months of holiday till school started, i was working, clubbing, no restrictions whatsoever. broke up with my girlfriend, blahblah, clubbed even more, blahblah.

poly started. i was together with ivan then, and spending time at his place with his family, made me realise how much i missed having a complete family. i didn't see or hear from my dad much, none actually. things were fine, i was doing alright in school and everything.

my dad started contacting me and my siblings, wanting to bring us out for dinner and stuffs.

it was an on and off thing.

sometime towards the end of last year, there was one day, when apparently my dad came to the house, (i had a half empty bottle of absolut vodka in my room), and he poured it all over my mom's bed, because why i have no idea really, he's psycho that's all i can say. when i got home, he came by later in the night, and we had a real big fight. i think we quarrelled for close to 3 hours. my mom and sister wasn't in. and my brother remained quiet. i told him in the face that i hated him and i would rather die then to stay with him ever. it was nearing the time for their official divorce. my father was so superficial, he started going back to church and acting all "holy" and all, but no one there knew what he was like at home with his family. i was so sick of it.

it was also during this quarrel, that he mentioned my mom had affairs before.

when my mom came home she asked what he said. and i told her. she said it was true.

i stayed over at ivan's house that night. i was confused, i felt betrayed, all along i was believing a lie?

my mom had met some guy over some online dating thing, and apparently they had some connection or shit. and he was rich. so before the divorce was decree ni si or decree absolute, she decided to go up to san francisco to see this guy. if it worked out, she would marry him and stay there permanently. my dad didn't know she went, and we basically had the whole place to ourselves. but when you fly SIA, eventually he will find out. and he did. it wasn't nice when he did. i wasn't home, but my brother was, and for the first time, my brother started rebelling against my dad. my dad obviously couldn't take this, i mean, i guess he would expect his son to be on his side. he took away my brother's phone and his computer.

alot of shit happened, and my dad obviously kept trying to find out from us stuff about my mom.

my mom also told us that our dad wanted custody of us because he didn't want to give my mom maintenance for us every month. she said she didn't want to fight with him. she was planning to buy a flat for us to stay in. as he had agreed to let us stay with her. but obviously after he found out she was in san fran, change of plans. we were to move to the condo with him.

he was planning to throw away most of the stuff in our place. so my mom (still in san fran) arranged for some movers to take some stuff. now when my dad found out, we got hell from him. he made us go down to the police station to make a police report, saying she stole stuff from him. it was a horrendous experience. i was really tired of fighting with him over and over again.

my dad moved back in with us in the end. it wasn't easy staying with him. at first it was fine, then it was like deja vu. just like the good ol' days with him screaming about every single thing. my brother i guess, wasn't used to him around, after having no parent around for so long, plus he has always been mummy's boy.

now it was my brother's turn to stand up to my dad.

the decree absolute came and went, and my mom decided to remarry. my dad kept asking us who she's staying with and stuff, and it was horrible because we were caught in the middle. it was sickening to have to cover for her while she was away in san fran. and we got all the shit from him.

then he told us that he offered her custody all the way to the end, but she didn't want it. she wanted money instead.

honestly, i didn't know who and what to believe anymore.

i was pissed at her for leaving, i was pissed at him for being such a bastard.

my mom's flat was ready and my brother die die didn't want to stay with my dad. at first he agreed to let us stay at my mom's flat, in the end he changed his mind, like he always does.

he bought this condo in sengkang and we were supposed to move here with him. one night, my brother and my dad fought really badly, and my dad punched my brother in the eye. he didn't make a police report.

we were supposed to move on 10oct. my bro and my dad had many quarrels over this thing about staying with him.

1st october. i was still awake at like 7am. i saw my brother washing up. i went back into my room and closed the door. i heard my brother leave the house. later at night, a courier service delivered a letter. it was from my brother. he told my dad that he would stay with him in the condo, but he needed a break. he was going to visit my mom, he missed her alot and he would be back on the 25th. my dad's reaction was hard to guess, it seemed like he was in shock.

i didn't know what to expect when my brother came back, i thought my dad would take this as a wake up call and try to mend things with my brother, try to be more understanding.

we moved to the condo, and my dad brought my brother's clothes and stuff along.

23rd. my brother came back. my dad wasn't home. we really didn't know what to expect. my dad came home, my brother apologised and everything, but my dad being his normal unreasonable self, made a big fuss about my mom, blahblahblah, about revenge and what shit, blahblahblah, and kicked my brother out of the house. he went to my mom's flat.

so many emotions.

sometimes, just pushing everything away is the easiest. i'm tired of fighting. if it was early this year, i would have defended my brother, and left the house with my bro too. but now, i'm tired. tired of all this rubbish and bullshit. i just wanna faster study, turn 21 and move out. of course i'm worried for my brother, deep down inside, i'm hurting for him. sometimes, ignorance is bliss. i know if i faced everything, i would break down and cry.

the past few days, i just carry on as normal, pretending that nothing has happened. my dad acts that way too. i'm too afraid to face it all.

i don't know who to believe, or what to believe, i don't know who to love, who to hate. i blame my dad for the person i've become, someone who shuts out all her real feelings, hiding them deep down inside, afraid of rejection and the pain that comes along with it. i build walls around myself, to protect myself from being hurt, to prevent people from knowing the true me, so that they won't be able to hurt me, to see the real me, that i won't be vulnerable. i'm an extremely emotional, extremely sensitive person, but i try to be strong.

there was this time when things were so bad, that i just kept going out really really late everyday, so that i wouldn't have to see him, wouldn't have to have any confrontations.

now, i just wanna be left alone, whatever he says, its just one ear in, one ear out. i'll just get through school, and when i'm old enough, its goodbye to you.

i don't want to think about what happened, what i've been through. i know i'm running away from my problems, but sometimes running away is easier and less painful...

to all those who've been there, who've listened... thank you so much... what would i do without you guys...