deja vu.
took a sip of water. i could suddenly taste that icky bitter taste, suddenly feeling all those pills going down, and also the urge to puke.

its been two months since i was discharged from the hospital. three long days.

5 cuts, 34 paracetamols, three blood tests, four plasters and a psychiatric appointment.

the lift. 23 storeys. standing in the rain.

one more pyschiatric appointment, and a psychologist appointment. and 8 more scheduled appointments.

one long walk. and six final cuts. so much left unspoken, one simple goodbye, one broken heart.

to those who've stood by me, who've been so encouraging, thank you. i owe you.

i wrote most of this after i was discharged, but i never really got down to posting it. i'm not sure if some of these people actually still care anymore. but. well. i'm just gonna post it. because. i still do care.

to kenneth, i'm really glad to have a bestest bestest guy friend like you. for coming down, for the flowers, for letting me vomit in your car, for always being there. i'm really sorry to have to put you thru all my shit.
*i hope everything goes well for you when you leave for aussie, in your studies and everything. we've drifted so so so much. i don't even talk to you anymore. we've gone our own paths, we lead our own lives. i miss the friendship we once had, how we never kept anything from each other, how i could always count on you, how you always cheered me up again. all the brotherly advice you gave me but i never followed. you'll be leaving soon. and i guess i'll most probably never have the chance to talk to you again. i'm sorry for everything that has happened, i guess i really do only have myself to blame. for how things have become. thank you for everything... for always trying to make me stop doing stupid stuff. for caring. for trying to make me wake up and stop living in my own world. for the concern... for all the times you listened and never ever judged me. for being the big brother i never had. there are so many things i could list. it would be endless. i look back, and i think, there's only one thing i regret out of all that has happened. that is, losing the friendship i had with you. well. good luck in australia. :) i hope you do well there. i'm sure you will. take care mr kermit.

to ben, for coming down all the days, for the mcdonalds breakfast, the juice, the flowers, the concern. for speeding me to cgh in ken's car, for wiping my vomit, for admitting me, for calling my sister, for being there.
*for everything's that happened, everything that you went through, i'm really sorry. i'm glad, that even though so many things happened between us... that we're still friends, and well. i guess there isn't much left to say, sometimes its better to leave things unspoken i suppose, but, well, thank you for everything, for all the memories, i'll remember sentosa, driving around looking for houses and all the white grape aloe vera juice the best. :)

to justin, for the 'experienced' advice. for the encouragement, for the free counselling, haha. for coming down too. oh, and for 'angels and demons'. please do take care of yourself too.

to bizhen, pris and jem, thank you for coming down, for your concern. :)
*to zhen, hope everything goes great for you in aussie too.

to rahmat, my bestie, thank you for the popeye's, for coming, for listening and for always being my bitch. though sometimes, actually most times, we'll never actually understand what the other is doing, at least i can depend on you for an honest response.

to alifa, you crazy bitch, i love you still, thank you for the tiramisu, even though you didn't get to take a bite. :)

to jade and berlinda, my babes, for coming down so late at night, for listening to me talk, for being my darlings, i love you two.
*for going drinking with me whenever i'm feeling oh so emo. even though its so last minute.

to ctbah. no more suicide pacts alright. though we get a lil' depressed and crazy at times, we'll always have each other. thanks sweetheart for everything.

to shawal. thank you for the little comment on your blog. don't worry, i won't make you come down from Bishan. :)

to ivan. for the flowers, for coming down and for your concern.

to everyone else who msged/ called/ blogged/ tagged, thank you.

of course, to my dad, brother, sister and her bf.

after all that's happened. even though its been two months already. i haven't had the chance to actually just sit down and think. think about what i want from my life. whether i'm just gonna let it continue like that. or whether i'm gonna actually put in effort to make things change, to make sure i get back my 3.52 GPA, to make sure i keep and treasure my closest truest friends, to be someone reliable and responsible, to stop taking mcs, to be the bestest friend i can be to my friends, to appreciate everything around me, to keep my emo feelings in check, and to just be. a happier person.

its been hella' rollercoaster ride, and to all those who's held my hand through it, thank you. i don't know how i would have done it all if not for you people.