im in one of those moods again. stayed home today again. i seriously need to start getting out more or else im gonna end up an eccentric old hag. :) sigh. i feel. so. argh.

i want to know what love is - tina arena

i'm resisting all those urges to do things. stupid things. that involve sharp objects.

its like... what's the point of everything really...

if love is blind - tiffany

sigh. i hate myself. i hate myself for the things i do. i hate myself for getting into the shit i do.

w he re do i b elo ng.

do you ever wish you could just run away from everything you have ever known? the life you're living, the shit you put yourself through? run away from reality? i guess most of us already are. living life in our own fantasy world. in a world we create just to keep ourselves safe. safe from the harsh reality. we live life in a daze, pretending not to know, not to hear, not to feel. we do it to protect ourselves, to pretend that everything's alright. to prevent ourselves from feeling vulnerable. our fantasy world is our shield, our only defence, the only thing that keeps us from going insane. we hide in our little shells, putting on a front, pretending to be someone we're really not. in front of others, we're not our trueselves. we don't want to let others see us in our weak state, so we wear a mask to cover what we really are. in time, we get so used to our 'fake self' that we forget who we really are. we forget that person we once was, the real us, the real person beneath all those personas. beneath all the 'fronts'.

after awhile, you just get tired of it all. of all the fake personas, the fake lives you're living, the fake friends, the fake relationships, the fake family, the fake you.

yes the fake you. after awhile, people will get tired of the fake you too. you may think they are unaware of the games you're playing, the persona you're wearing. but they are. people aren't as stupid as you think they are. you may think you have everything all figured out. but you're wrong. people know, they just don't say anything and play along with your game. just waiting for you to give it up...

i have so many things to say, so many things i want to express, so many things inside my head. but for now, i think i'll just keep it inside. just the way i always have.

goodnight.