school was fine today, time passed really quick. marc di came to pick me up after school, then to kim seng. ivan and him were going to bowl. after that, dinner. then great world arcade, and yoghurt! back to his shop, played bluff! we were laughing like mad. they both turned red. and i was trying not to spit out the drink i had!

he's off to KL early in the morning.

i'm feeling really stressed. i've been thinking. and i think i really do need that job. $140 for allowance a month is just way tooo little. i have a bloody fucking $300 over m1 bill. i owe my sister $400. and dunno who else. i'm flat broke. there's no way i can survive. i definitely need that bloody job. i'll have to sacrifice all my free time. i might not have time to do work... and go out i guess. weekends will have to be sacrificed. i don't really have much choice. and maybe i'll cut my line. that way i won't use my phone. and save that money. i'll just have to depend on the good old house phone.

its overwhelming. broke down yet again. too many things to deal with. on the verge of pulling all my hair out. it's stupid. everything's just so monotonous, so routine. life's just so meaningless. what's the point of living really? maybe if i just ended it right now, i wouldn't have to deal with all these problems... wouldn't have to worry about getting distinctions, wouldn't have to worry about my parents divorce, my mom being such a slut, my father having all his affairs, about men being such bastards, about all that money i owe. everything would just all disappear. wouldn't that be so much simpler. easier.

i realise why i can't trust easily. its not cause someone hurt me or anything. its basically down to my father. he cheating, his affairs, it subconciously affects you. and maybe me being lesbian previously was affected by him as well. that insecure feeling. low self esteem. the feeling of needing to be reassured, that urge to be possessive. comparing yourself to every single person you see. feeling less important to everyone else. i'm always feeling insecure. i don't seem to feel any reassurance. and being let down over and over and over again, empty promises, things said but never done, well, it doesn't help. it just makes it worse.

i'm really quite tired. very tired. its meaningless, pointless. i wish i could forget everything and just disappear.

more lines. more pain.