if you only knew. if you only knew how i feel. then you would understand.

today was a really pointless day. pom lecture was alright, busy taking notes. csa tutorial boring as usual. after that. town. eunice and tenshi. him. bumped into winnie and puicheng at nooch. we ate there as well. it was great to be able to see those two darlings after so long! winnie: i'm glad we got to bump into each other! i've missed you! we must must must go out soon alrite. after that. cine. sold out tickets. 7eleven. absolut vodka for eunice&tenshi. they off to esplanade. bumped into daren. its freaky how skinny she is now. im jealous. and since when are you into r&b??!! haha.

after that. home. a long long long ride on the train. it was too long. a silent journey. thoughts running through my head. *fought back those tears. controlling my emotions. didn't want to show my trueself. me, vulnerable, sensitive, hurt and all that pain. did not want you to see me at my weakest.

right now. all i feel. numb. drained. i just want to be left alone. all alone. but that's how i already feel. so small.

this love has taken its toll on me.

you know that feeling. where you give. and give. and give. and somehow. what you get back in return just isn't the same? its less? and you have this feeling inside. drained. tired. maybe its better not to give so much, not to expect so much. set your standards lower, then when things don't turn out right, you won't fall so hard.

don't tell me "you've found a reason to change" unless you really do.

those are not the things i want to hear. actions speak louder than words. don't tell me you're sorry. when you don't even care. don't tell me you're sorry. over and over again, when you don't even do anything or put in effort to change. don't tell me i'm the most important, when half the time i'm not even part of your life. when most of the time, you're not even there. when you're so busy with everyone and everything else that i get chucked aside. and only when you have nothing else to do then do i become "visible" again.

making a girl feel like as though you really care, that she's really first in your life, shouldn't be done when you're out with her. its obvious, it needn't be shown. its only when you two are apart, that's when this really matters, that's when you gotta show it, you gotta say it, you gotta prove it. that's when its really important to show how much you care, and not like as though you've forgotten about her, because that's the time she's gonna be wondering, she's gonna be asking, she's gonna be questioning. that's the time when she's all alone, when she wants your reassurance, when she wants to know that despite the fact that you two are apart, she still matters to you and you haven't forgotten her. a relationship doesn't just take place when you spend time together. its every minute, every second. together. and apart. and when you're apart, that's when it matters most, when its most trying, when you really have to put in effort, you really gotta try.

maybe. i shouldn't expect so much. that way. i won't fall so hard.

i'm not angry. i'm just hurting inside. tired. drained. i don't know how long i can feel this way before i can't take it anymore...

maybe its just me. maybe i'm just not the one.

*bottled emotions. one day. i'll just let go. and when that happens. it'll be goodbye.