firstly. lemme start by what i did today. i woke up at like dunno what shit time. basically i was still in bed at like 2ish. i finally got up. and went to watch tv and eat. csi. hehs. anyways. i was supposed to meet that idiot roger at 430 at pasir ris. but i tink it was all a scam just to keep me in the house becos i had the shock of my life to find out that my boyfriend was outside my house. well. i wasn't answering his calls nor msgs becos i was fucking pissed and i still am. anyway. we went to his shop and who should i find but roger there. so he wasn't planning to come to pasir ris i suppose. liar. anyway. my sister came. because she wanted to see roger bowl. and then we went down to pocket bowl at katong. for national age group. saw adam. denise lim. andrea hwang. marian. howie heng. alex. huiyiang. some mgs bowlers. juniors. whom i do not know. haha. and stupid mich tan erzi!!! who disappeared from the face of this earth. to busy with her gffff!! tsk. u better remember my birthday ar!!! haha. i already told u ar!! haha. and ace with his extremely bright yellow shirt. haha. well. lets just say my mood became even shittier the minute we stepped into the bowling alley. lets just say i became the invisible gurl. anyway. after it was over. went for supper with my sis, roger and nick tan at bedok85. basically we cldnt decide where to go. we were throwing up places like old kallang airport??!! geylang. east coast lagoon. changi village. simpang bedok? upper bukit timah??!?!!! haha. anyway. nick wanted katong laksa but it was closed already laaaa. haha. we ended up going to bedok85 after a discussion with the taxi driver. hehs. we all had bakchormee. i tink so. the noodle thing la. except i didnt want the pork. so i only had noodles soup. and the bloody place doesnt do dry with chilli cans. well. ahaha. they all had $2. but mine was porkless and meatballess so it was only $1. ahahaha. stupiak cans. haha. sat there. chatted. till abt 1ish. they were going on about gunbound??!!! rah. haha. i was like. okae.... not my game. haha. anyways. saw nick's photos from beauty box. quite nice. i like the shirtttt!!! haha. we were talking about bowling too. my sister was quite lost i tink. haha. anyway. i got roger to go bowling with me after age group tomorrow!! haha. at pocket bowl la. but the lanes suck. well. see how la. i dug out my bowl just now and its like dusty cans!!! and it smells funny. hmmms. what if i bowl and it suddenly cracks into half. hahaaaaaaaa!!! see howwww la. haha. well. yea. fiona is bowling at 9am tmw. i hope i can wake up. yups. :)

chatting with sam di. he's asking me when do u noe u love someone. well. when ur missing them constantly? when u look at ur phone every single second just waiting for a msg or call from that person and before u sleep at night that person is the last one on your mind n when u look at that person, or think abt that person, u smile, and inside u feel something so strong so powerful that feeling will make u do anything for tt person give up anything for tt person and all u wanna do is just tell that person how much u love her/him. just hold on tight and never let go. well something like that i guess.

ya. so u did come down. its not just that. its more than that. its all the small gestures. the everyday things. the small little and big little things that happen everyday. its the words, the msgs, the calls, the gestures, the thoughts, the dates, the goingouts, the meetups, the talks, everything. it wasn't just today. its everyday. it wasn't just about how i felt today, or how you treated me today. do you know this is how i feel most of the time? do you know how upset i was? i cried again. after you left. you promised. to never make me cry again. well. i guess. promises are meant to be broken ehs? of course i know that when ur bowling you wouldnt talk to anyone else. alot of pple are like that. sometimes when i bowl im like that too. i admit i felt a bit neglected though. but why is it it wasn't just when you were bowling thats how i felt, but its how i feel most of the time this past month or so? some of the times, i guess im just being petty. but sometimes. sometimes its really real. its the truth. everyone needs their friends. afterall they always say that gf/bfs come n go, but ur friends will always be there for you. but perhaps. perhaps. for awhile, u can actually remember u have a gf and treat her like one? at least, even if she doesn't mean a thing to you, and is not even important to you, and is second place to everything else in your life, at least perhaps you can pretend otherwise? pretend and bluff me, that im important? at least just try to act like as though i mean something to you, at least just act like as though im the most important thing in the world when i'm actually not? i know i take second place to everything else in your life, but at least when i'm around could you just try to pretend otherwise? it hurts, when im sitting there, in your group of friends, as your girlfriend, but yet bein treated the same way as everyone else. and that, the people making me feel part of the group isn't you but its them. it hurts when i have to pretend that there's nothing between us, just because you don't want other people to know that we're together. it hurts when half the time i have to entertain myself cos you're usually too busy doing something else or with someone else when i'm out with you.

and it fucking hurts cos i fucking cant type ur name here cos u fucking dont want pple to know. half the time im wondering whether ur ashamed of me? or whether u wanna lead a double life? or act single. like ur friendster says single so maybe ur just better off single. i mean like she already fucking knows right. u fucking didn't want the whole world to know cos u were afraid the news wld reach her, but now she fucking already knows so who the fucking hell are you hiding it from now? YOURSELF? fuck i wldnt be surprised if you were. fuck. well maybe im being fucking demanding. then maybe i should just fucking leave. dun u think its fucking selfish? i mean like, i supposed to be your gf, but only when ur free, and there's no one else around, then i become ur gf, other than that, im back to your friend. like that, u must as well, make me ur companion, so that when ur free u can make an appointment with me, so that i can plan my schedule in advance, so that i wun be guessing half the time whether im meeting u or not. and also so that during those times u are not planning to treat me as ur gf, i wun be expecting anything and be disappointed and hurt in return and so that i won't put in so much and end up feeling empty. at least let me know, then maybe i should go find someone else to fill up all this spare time i have. then maybe i won't put in so much and get hurt. maybe we should just switch to a no status relationship, so that you won't have to be held down by some bitch and also so u can go have your fun. well its going to be one fucking month soon and i tink even if it was 10months there would be no fucking difference so maybe we should just go our fucking separate ways and u can go back to ur normal single life. oh wait. u don't have to go back to it. cos ur already in it.

fuck. so maybe im being pmsy. but being pmsy doesnt change the fact that this fucked up feeling is always this. its just that im pmsy that's why im saying it out. fuck. if i kept it inside i tink i'll just explode one day. fuck. i hate feeling like shit. i hate feeling like no one cares. i hate feeling like the whole world is against me. fuck it. maybe im just being fucking petty. demanding. i guess i am. too emotional. too petty. too demanding. too needy. too sensitive. then well. i guess its high time u found someone less of all that. maybe im just not made out for guys. yup. well. since im all those things. just ignore everything i said and pretend i don't exist. since you're so good at pretending. well. maybe we should just take a timeout. or something. i bet if we did, you wouldnt even notice that im gone. you wouldnt even notice that i wasnt there. every girl needs to be pampered, needs to feel important, needs to feel wanted. the more u make her feel neglected, unwanted, unimportant, the more she's gonna need it. and if someday, someone else makes her feel special, u cant blame her if she leaves. so before that day happens, and if u tink she's special, u gotta hold on to her, u gotta make a difference, u gotta let her know. that's if she means something la. if she doesnt then u can fucking don't care la.

im quite tired of feeling actually. tired of guessing. tired of always trying to get someone to go out with me, in the hope that you'll be in town, hoping to bump into you, or hoping you'll ask me to come over to where ever u are to meet you. im tired of having to act like some stalker just in the hope that you'll meet me. im tired of always calling and msging everyone in town, hoping to find someone to meet, cos im hoping that you'll suddenly remember about me and call me to meet you. nothing's ever preplanned, half the time when we meet its with ur friends, or its just impromtu. and usually cos its ME asking you to meet. hardly anyone calls me out, im always trying to get people to go out with me, just so i can be in town. in case. u ask me to meet you. well. im sick of all that. im not gonna do that anymore. besides im too fucking broke to go out anymore im just gonna rot away at home till school starts. maybe u'll forget me. well. i am so not going to cry becos why cry over someone who wont cry over you right. well. i hope u have a nice life. and that u have lots of fun in school with ur friends and bowling and whatnots. and in case u remember i existed, well just wanna let u know that i love you, if it does matter at all, at that it fucking hurts to love you, becos im just as important as a speck of dust on the shelf.

[Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry]

[im here without you baby]